He might be a beast but his castle is to die for!
Award-winning adult-panto queens He’s Behind You! return with a ridiculous new version of the 18th greatest love story ever told, Beauty and the Beast: A Horny Love Story. Be our guest in the frostbitten Scottish village of Lickmanochers where inexperienced mummy’s boy Bertie becomes the prisoner of an aristocratic brute with lustrous body hair and a castle that's just begging for a makeover. As the snow falls, it's not just the tension that rises...
Starring the best dame in town Matthew Baldwin (“sublime” - Guardian; “wonderful” - Time Out) and packed with big laughs, daft frocks, hilarious songs and all the panto trimmings, don’t miss London’s top festive night out. It’s fabulous fun - just NOT for all the family.
We sat down with writer and lyricist Jon Bradfield to learn more about the show.
What can you tell me about Beauty and the Beast: A Horny Love Story?
It’s a pantomime, it’s very much for adults only, it’s pretty gay, it’s romantic, it’s going to look gorgeous, and it’s a big laugh-fest. It starts in the remote, snowy Scottish hamlet of Lickmanochers where a virginal young man called Bertie – imagine if Belle was a Disney gay – is having a belated sexual awakening and has decided to go and see the world but gets waylaid when he has to rescue his mum from a castle on an island in the North Sea. And he gets taken prisoner by a stroppy beast who is supposedly hideous but is actually serving sexy Halloween frat boy energy. So of course Bertie decides he absolutely won’t shag him, let alone fall in love with him… I realised the other day that it’s a show about love and loneliness and about various people who are kind of trapped in themselves and need a shake-up. But told through big silly comedy with some filthy songs.
It’s a pantomime, it’s very much for adults only, it’s pretty gay, it’s romantic, it’s going to look gorgeous, and it’s a big laugh-fest. It starts in the remote, snowy Scottish hamlet of Lickmanochers where a virginal young man called Bertie – imagine if Belle was a Disney gay – is having a belated sexual awakening and has decided to go and see the world but gets waylaid when he has to rescue his mum from a castle on an island in the North Sea. And he gets taken prisoner by a stroppy beast who is supposedly hideous but is actually serving sexy Halloween frat boy energy. So of course Bertie decides he absolutely won’t shag him, let alone fall in love with him… I realised the other day that it’s a show about love and loneliness and about various people who are kind of trapped in themselves and need a shake-up. But told through big silly comedy with some filthy songs.
How did you approach the script writing process for this show?
The number one priority is making it funny, entertaining, daft and spectacular but the starting point was the setting. Although pantos are a winter thing there’s nothing particularly Christmassy about them but this year we wanted to make something wintry and festive, which is why we went for remote Scotland at Christmastime. I love creating a specific setting because it generates lots of funny detail and gives audiences a sense of being transported.
Then it’s sort of expanding outwards from that idea. So Bertie’s mum, our dame, runs the northernmost petrol station on the British mainland; castles on islands are a staple of Scottish calendars; Christmas is a time of home and family so that takes on significance in a story about somebody trapped away from home. I did do some “proper” prep – I read a 1940s panto version and watched the Jean Cocteau film as well as the Disney ones - but basically we’re looking for the key story beats that make Beauty and the Beast what it is, then working out how to build a new, adult story from that, and keep it panto: we needed to make the panto dame a big enough character because our dame Matthew Baldwin is famously brilliant and our audiences love him. How do you put in some daft panto business in a way that at least slightly relates to character and plot? How do you find room for a proper panto villain who drives events in some way? We didn’t want to go down the “Gaston” route but there are plenty of little nods to Disney.
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| Oli Sones, Andrew Beckett, Jon Bradfield at the Pantomime Awards. Photo by Victoria Davies Photography |
Combining the traditional story with the naughtier elements, how do you blend these together?
In a way we’re just putting back in what’s usually left out! These are adult characters with adult desires, and in our show they actually talk and think like adults, sometimes using very adult language! And, you know, sex isn’t just smut – it’s something people can relate to. You can play with the cringey and embarrassing aspects of it, use it to make your characters relatable and vulnerable. But there’s plenty of stuff in there that’s just stupid too. If you’re writing for adults it doesn’t just let you be rude, it means you can go down various mad rabbit-holes and reference all sorts of things about life, culture, queer stuff. And we can all enjoy stuff like slapstick. It’s still a magical, supernatural fairytale – we tie ourselves in all sorts of knots trying to keep a bit of magic in the story while fussing over what that magic can and can’t do, and who has those powers (honestly I can be painfully pedantic about this stuff). Beauty and the Beast is quite an odd story for panto. It kind of narrows into a twisted romcom because it’s about two people forced together, falling for each other in spite of themselves, and if you’re writing romantic comedy for an adult audience that naturally leads to saucy humour.
In a way we’re just putting back in what’s usually left out! These are adult characters with adult desires, and in our show they actually talk and think like adults, sometimes using very adult language! And, you know, sex isn’t just smut – it’s something people can relate to. You can play with the cringey and embarrassing aspects of it, use it to make your characters relatable and vulnerable. But there’s plenty of stuff in there that’s just stupid too. If you’re writing for adults it doesn’t just let you be rude, it means you can go down various mad rabbit-holes and reference all sorts of things about life, culture, queer stuff. And we can all enjoy stuff like slapstick. It’s still a magical, supernatural fairytale – we tie ourselves in all sorts of knots trying to keep a bit of magic in the story while fussing over what that magic can and can’t do, and who has those powers (honestly I can be painfully pedantic about this stuff). Beauty and the Beast is quite an odd story for panto. It kind of narrows into a twisted romcom because it’s about two people forced together, falling for each other in spite of themselves, and if you’re writing romantic comedy for an adult audience that naturally leads to saucy humour.
What can you tell me about the music in the production?
I’ve gone for a mix of pop styles plus a touch of folk to reflect the remote Scottish setting, and a couple of Disney pastiches which are really big and orchestral sounding. I write original songs because although we don’t have loads of numbers we want to use them as you would in a musical, to tell the story in the right way at the right time rather than wondering what popular number to shoehorn in and probably do a sub-par version of! There are a couple of real bangers including a very camp disco number, a wistfully filthy number for our principal boy, and – a first for me – a lesbian love duet which is full of stereotypes that I hope won’t get me cancelled (like I’m famous enough to get cancelled…!). I love a witty lyric, and I think the ruder it is the wittier it should be in terms of smart rhymes and so on. It’s honestly such a treat that I get to write these things and then hear our amazing cast belting them out. “Oh, you just finished Mamma Mia did you? Okay, now sing this verse about rimming.”
What was the first piece of theatre you remember having a big impact on you?
Seeing my first pantomime at Wolverhampton Grand when I was six had a big impact – I still remember the moment when the gauze front-cloth seemed to dissolve to reveal the village behind it. Absolute magic. My adult introduction to what theatre can do was when I was in sixth form: a National Theatre tour of Tom Stoppard’s Arcardia, and a production of The Cherry Orchard at the RSC’s Swan Theatre. It felt very grown up, being in this world of nuance and character-powered laughs and ideas, and poetry – both verbal and visual. I always want to create a bit of a pang, even with our pantos – a bit of a feeling you can’t quite put your finger on. I don’t know if we manage that.
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| The cast for the production. |
What keeps you inspired?
With the panto-writing, it’s that magic of being in a theatre full of people laughing hysterically, and engaged enough to go “ahh” even though the whole artform is constantly telling them it’s not real. People bring big groups of mates, they plan months ahead, they get excited about it as a big night out. It’s a massive buzz for me. I can’t go to sleep for hours after being at one of our shows, the adrenaline’s racing. We’re a small team of people who know each other really well and trust each other, and that’s empowering. Writing is a weird solitary thing, and to find a little family of creative collaborators really keeps you going.
What are your favourite Christmas traditions?
I sing with a choir and our Christmas concert always feels like the real start of Christmas. A different kind of winter magic. With that and panto, by the time I hit early December I feel like I’ve been preparing for Christmas for months! I do love all the cosy boozy parties with friends but by the time I get on a train to Edinburgh to see my family for Christmas I’m ready for peace.
What do you hope someone takes away from seeing Beauty and the Beast: A Horny Love Story?
A programme, a nice photo for Instagram, a slight feeling of horniness, and some memories that can bubble up and make them laugh again over the coming days.
Beauty and the Beast: A Horny Love Story runs at Charing Cross Theatre from 21st November 2025 until 11th January 2026. Tickets are available from https://charingcrosstheatre.co.uk/theatre/beauty-the-beast
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